Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
