make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
