Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
