i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
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