I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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