i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
