wrigley field is MILF paradise
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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