Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
