I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I need to stop coming to work sober
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
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Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
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He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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