i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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