Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
