He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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