I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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