It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
