i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
