He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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