I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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