first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
