I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
