Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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