i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
