I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
