it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
