sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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