Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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