vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
