I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I CAN MOONWALK!
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
