i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
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I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
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We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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