I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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