I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
