OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
