The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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