I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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