I never want to see another naked old woman again.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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