dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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