turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
