What did we do last night that was yellow?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
