well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
