I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
