Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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