I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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