Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
