The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Randomize
