On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She said her name was "party"
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
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She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
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I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
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