remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
