well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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