I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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