Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
