her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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