I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
