White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
