I haven't been this sober since birth.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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