I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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