i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
