Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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