I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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