We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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