non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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