I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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