you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
