So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
