The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
